Top 5: How to Scare a Board Gamer
Halloween is just around the corner. Children walk down the streets, offices are having spooky parties, and stores are already making room for their Christmas stuff.
You might be ready these lines because you are a board game lover or, at least, know someone who is. Are you feeling like pranking your gamer friends? Is your significant other spending too much on board games and is now the perfect time to retaliate? You've come to the right place.
HERE ARE THE TOP 5 THINGS YOU CAN DO TO SCARE A BOARD GAMER
5. Open a bag of dirty, dirty Cheetos
One of the scariest feeling for any board gamer is to have their precious game tarnished by some dirty, Youppi looking fingers.
Want to make things worst? If you're playing a sleeved card game, simply undress the cards from their plastic overalls (you can use the "I can't read properly... the light is... reflecting?" excuse) and touch those little rectangular, card board jewels.
You might never get invited to game night again though.
4. Game over? Throw everything in the box at once.
Nobody likes packing up a game. You have strategies, bad dice roll or terrible plays to discuss. Your host will adore you if you volunteer to pack up the game while other players discuss the philosophy behind Scythe.
As soon as the host agrees, safely put the box at one end of the table. Then, comfortably put your arm at the other and wipe everything. Everything. Pieces will fall, people will cry and dreams will be crushed.
Calmly close the box and join in the conversation: "The blue faction is broken!".
You might never get invited to game night again though.
3. Invite them for a game night. Don't learn any rules.
"Hey Brian! Want to come over to my place for some Twilight Imperium action?"
"Oh sure Timmy, do I need to learn the rules?"
"No need Brian. Just bring your beautiful smile."
"Thanks Timmy, you're one hell of a friend! I love you."
Now let's crush Brian together. As soon as he arrives, show him to his seat. Bring out Twilight Imperium (ideally still in shrink) and open it. Take the rules and start reading: "Throughout a game of Twilight Imperium, players will barter, plot, and wage war upon one another to complete objectives. The first player to accumulate 10 victory points claims the Imperial Throne and wins the game.....". You get it.
You might never get invited to game night again though.
2. Tell them fake spoilers of their favorite Legacy/Campaign games.
Is you friend half-way through Pandemic Legacy? Is your partner's second gaming group just starting Rise of Fenris? Here are a couple of fake spoilers that you can use (royalty-free) to annoy whoever you feel like annoying:
- Pandemic Legacy: "Have you unlocked House M.D. yet?"
- Scythe Rise of Fenris: "Can't believe they did a Scythe/Mean Girls crossover. It actually worked so well."
- Gloomhaven: "Totally saw the ending coming. It was obviously a dream from the start. It's just frustrating that the game asks you to start over after so many hours."
- Star Wars: Imperial Assault: "Did you end up saving Jar-Jar on Naboo? I let him die, no matter how wude it was."
- Mice and Mystics: "Did you figure it out? It was all a prequel to Ratatouille."
Feel free to add your own fake spoilers below.
You might never get invited to game night again though.
1. Bring out Monopoly. Seriously.
Do I need to say more? Nothing scares a board gamer more than the idea of having to play this mean, random, roll and move, dated board game full of paper money. A true night of horror.
Bonus points: start explaining the rules very slowly while keeping a straight face.